Do you want to be loved or do you want to be yourself?¶

Info

原视频：Do you want to be loved or do you want to be yourself
视频作者：Sisyphus 55
部分评论：
@KalmAM: As Kafka said it, "I've realized life is a masquerade party and I've been showing up as myself"
@asher2215: I love how each Sisyphus video either gives me a reality check or an existential crisis.

笔记¶

信息1：If you want to be loved you need to be yourself this piece of advice offered inslightly altered forms depending on whether one is seeking romantic love, success or friendship feels like a big fat lie. 确实像个谎言，大多数人be themselves的时候都是messy, unreasonable, ugly, needy and stupid, 所以be yourself的时候很容易得到来自我们caretakers、society、boyfriend/girlfriend的rejection，因此我们学会了戴上面具生活，be societal, be behavorial. 如Jordan Peterson说的"An angry child should sit by himself until he calms down. Then he should be allowed to return to normal life. That means the child wins - instead of his anger. The rule is 'Come be with us as soon as you can behave properly'." 我记得辉夜大小姐里有一集管家（早坂爱）主场，那一集里讨论的内容与此很相像，早坂爱有句台词好像是“如果不戴上面具的话，又怎么会有人爱我呢”，记不太清了，大致是这个意思。
信息2：但是"Most of our tensions and frustrations stem from compulsive needs to act the role of someone we are not" - János Selye
be yourself容易遭到rejection，而戴上面具需要tuck away ourselves, repressing the emotions that feel closest to us. 究竟是做自己还是戴上面具演出一个社会想看到的自己，或许最终还是需要寻求折中说，一方面要 ¹压制内心的幽暗，做符合社会规范的事，另一方面也要适当解放天性，直面自我，直面内心。
信息3：Later on we note that being too vulnerable or weird drives away romantic prospects. What we are left with is an ultimatum. You can either be yourself or you can be loved. And so our relationships become cyclical. We compromise in the beginning prioritizing attachment over authenticity we tuck away ourselves repressing the emotions that feel closest to us but this only lasts for a short while sooner or later ugly truths violently crashed through our frozen surface of conformity.
信息4：The physician Gabor maté notes those with a type c personality, overly nice people who compulsively place others expectations and needs ahead of their own are more likely to end up with chronic illnesses. "It struck me that these patients had a higher likelihood of cancer and poorer prognosis... repression disarms one's ability to protect oneself from stress" p. 100
The Myth of Normal
- Gabor Maté
信息5：引起type c personality的两个重要beliefs①I am responsible for how other people feel. ②And also I must never disappoint anyone.
信息6：Maté further noted that "These dangerously self-denying traits tend to fly under our radar because they are easily conflated with their healthy analogs compassion honor diligence loving kindness generosity..."
信息7：type c personality的大问题是 One issue with being type c is that having such traits is socially desirable in other words we tend to adopt these behaviors not out of a sincere sense of compassion but rather as a way to be liked to feel attached and accepted. Simply put, we place our health at risk in order to be worthy of love.
信息8：Maté对type c personality形成原因的解释——"If our environment cannot support our gut feelings and our emotions then the child in order to belong and fit in will automatically unwittingly and unconsciously suppress their emotions and their connections to themselves for the sake of staying connected to the nurturing environment without which the child cannot survive. A lot of children are in this dilemma, 'can I feel and express what I feel or do I have to suppress that in order to be acceptable, to be a good kid, to be a nice kid?'"

突然想到道教提的“斩三尸”是不是就是要斩净内心幽暗，致使灵台清明，从此可以be yourself而无需担心幽暗带来的问题 ↩